we can't take us anywhere

Last night, Bret and I decided we were feeling celebratory, so we decided to get a dinner out on the town. After much too much deliberation, we settled on Jackie's in Silver Spring. Citing a mere 30% chance of rain, we walked off into the gloom and soon found ourselves in Silver Spring's most retro eating establishment. A very cheerful man gave us our pick of tables and walked off to play The Cars - Greatest Hits.



Mini Elvis burgers to start followed by orders of fried chicken and potato salad.

What? We walked there. Don't judge.

The burgers came out and the inside was pretty pink. I am exceedingly squeamish when it comes to the sliding scale of meat doneness, but even Bret thought these were kinda raw. But it's an Elvis burger at a place with hot pink seats, so you figure they know what they're doing. And we ate 'em. Pretty good. Not "Sweet Mama I Need More," but pretty good.

Then the chicken. The first bite was like "Oh, this is pretty okay." As I continued to eat, it got less pretty okay. It was greasy. Oily even. But somehow the meat stayed dry.

Then I looked at Bret's chicken, and it didn't look anything like mine. Stilly greasy, but not dry. Moist. Squishy even. And... pink.

We chalked it up to the fact that the booths were pink and the lights were pink and figured it was probably an illusion of our decor kept eating. But my brain was skeptical. So I pulled the chicken out of his hands and... pink. It was pink and squishy and undercooked and even bleeding in some spots.

We stopped eating. I flagged down a waiter. He graciously offered to bring us anything else we wanted or to cook us up some new chicken, but we were pretty done with food by that point. He was kind enough to take Bret's "fried" chicken off our bill.


We walked out into a grey sky with a few raindrops plinking away, feeling less celebratory than when we left the house.

But then the incredibly cheery man who'd seated us started shouting into his phone. OH YEAH? I'VE PAYED MY MORTGAGE EVERY MONTH ON TIME FOR HOW LONG? AND THIS IS HOW YOU... YOU CALL ME EVERY SINGLE... YOU... OKAY, HOW ABOUT THIS, HOW ABOUT THIS? I CURSE YOU! HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT? I CURSE YOU! YOU AND YOUR FAMILY. YOUR WHOLE FAMILY. HOW ABOUT THAT, HUH? HOW DOES THAT FEEL? HOW DOES IT F- HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE DOG VOMIT, HUH? HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE DOG VOMIT?


And then the sky opened up and let go.